To Write or not to Write – That is the Question

December 3, 2011

Whenever I personally experience God, I feel like I’ve entered another dimension. It almost makes me dizzy – like a shift in my world.

That happened to me this past weekend.

I had lost my passion for the websites Kids-Faith and Kat’s Musings. Earlier in the year, I had listened to a sermon that kind of rocked my world, which left me second-guessing myself. And I lost the desire to write – not only for the websites but also the books that I believed God wanted me to write.

Losing the desire doesn’t mean that there isn’t a small rock sitting in the imaginary backpack that I carry around all day, reminding me that I’m supposed to write. Knowing that rock was there just made me enter into some long debates with myself on whether I should continue or not. I have spent the last few months searching for answers.

How can I walk today, totally healed of all the baggage from my past that made me hate myself and think myself less than who I am? Why did all five of my children turn out okay despite experiencing three divorces and some pretty heavy-duty messes in all of our lives? Not only okay, but with a heart for God. All of them. Regardless of the paths that they were on.

Did the changes in my home make the difference? What else changed? What were all the combination of things that helped make the change? Was it just one item or a variety? If it was a variety, then the question remains… a variety of what?

Other questions popped up: Had I become legalistic? Was I expecting too much? Was I shielding them and hurting them from living in the outside world? Was I setting my children up for failure? Was I sheltering them? Not allowing them to logically live in the world?

I asked myself if I had a right to share my experiences with the outside world. If they didn’t get the same results, then why? Sure! I realize that people have choices… Still, despite overwhelming odds and circumstances, my children walk with the Lord, healed of addictions and with hearts full of love for God and for others. They are all unique and set apart from the world. What is it? I know that God’s hand is in all this, but how? Or was I imagining it all?

Do I have the right to share my experience? I haven’t a degree in Psychology, or Sociology, or Family Upbringing or whatever along those lines. What if I lead someone astray? What if it’s just my personality type?

Then I found myself looking at the other three families I personally know who brought up their children in the same way, and all their kids are okay and walking with the Lord, too. Sure, they run their homes a little different, but the basic concepts are the same. I recently met a family whose children are not sold out for God even though they used the same concepts. More questions: What was the difference? Was there anything missing? Why them?

As time went on with some questions answered and a whole lot more questions popping up, I lost more passion and more desire.

Saturday, being New Year’s Day and all, I decided I had to make a decision. The rock in my backpack had to go. I was either going to continue writing and sharing my experiences, or I was going to give it up and minister in other areas.

How to decide? The only sure way – I asked God.

Saturday night, while lying in bed, I asked Him, “Do you want me to continue writing articles for the websites Kids Faith and Kat’s Musings? Do You want me to write that book this year? Do you want me to share the answers that I have found to some of the above questions? Or should I just let it all go? Please let me know tomorrow. I need to know supernaturally, knowing full well that You are providing that answer by two or three witnesses. Love you, Dad!”

Sunday morning I woke up and checked my email. Guess what was there? Two emails in the Kat’s Musings mailbox. Two pingbacks. One dated July 2010 and the other dated August 2010. Two witnesses that came through that morning with dates from last year. Two emails in a mailbox that had been inactive for pretty much 3 months. Pretty freaky if you ask me. I get that world shift and my head spins a bit because God really is there. He answers prayers – He is real. He has taken a personal interest in what I’m doing for His Glory, and He is guiding me every step of the way. God has manifested Himself and His wishes to me. Personally. Little ol’ me.

Then the third witness arrived today in the form of a phone call from a dear friend who struggled with a lot of the same issues in her ministry. She told me that the Kids Faith articles I shared with her really ministered to her and to her family. “Don’t give up writing,” she told me. “Keep sharing what you’ve experienced. Those who need it will read it at the right time.”

Psalm 91:14-15 (Amplified Bible) ¹⁴Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness–trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never]. ¹⁵He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

So, I guess I’ll write. I don’t really have a choice, do I?