…I wonder

Do You Really Love even Me?? (TFM #5)

Do You Really Love Even Me?

The Fighting Man (Part 5)

Parking the Car

I parked the car in the garage. It was dusk; that half light, half dark, surreal time of day where nothing seems quite what it is. I turned off the engine and checked the side view mirror. I don’t know what prompted me to make that move, but I did, and something caught my eye.

I could see the house across the street and one of the second floor windows had someone looking out of it. A little girl of about five was staring forlornly out the window, lost in contemplation. She had long dark hair and she was pretty, but it seemed that the weight of the world was captured in her stance. Upon closer inspection, I could see that it really was just the way that the curtains fell that made it look like a girl. But she was real to me, nonetheless.

I could sense her and what she was feeling. Her pain traveled all the way to the core of my soul. I knew her intimately and instead of hating her, as I usually did, I felt sorry for her. The little girl that I was seeing was me…

A girl pretending to play house; acting at wife and mother and failing miserably in those roles. It was all a show – not real. She was fooling everyone with the pretend world she had made up. She looked so alone; I could feel her despair. She looked desolate, a little thing with no one to teach her, to hold her, to help her. Abandoned, lost, alone, confused, sad, and angry.

I was struck, and at the same time, fascinated by her solitary walk through life. I could not pull my eyes away. I had to feel her and experience her pain with different eyes. She didn’t have the upbringing that many kids thrive on and which drives them successfully through life. The result was a life of horrible choices that brought trouble, chaos and self-hate. Five children from three broken marriages; no hope, no love, no joy.

That self-hate had carried itself all the way until this moment. But, for some reason, this time I didn’t hate her. I spent the next five minutes lost in her, trying to understand her, feeling what she was feeling. It filled my heart with compassion and my eyes with tears. I just wanted to hold her and tell her that she was okay.

It was the year 2005 and a major milestone had been reached. I finally wasn’t disgusted at that little girl inside of me. It had been a long road, a painful one, and it was far from over.

The next time I saw her, she wasn’t alone… someone was standing behind her.

The Year 2005

This was the year that God began showing me great Miracles – personal miracles, just between Him and me. Parking the Car was the beginning of one of the greatest of them!

After receiving Him in my life and making Him my Lord, we began a beautiful dance together. I started reading the Bible and studying the life-changing words in it. As promised in Ezekiel 36:26-27, His Spirit began to make those changes within me that I had been powerless to make myself for most of my life.

Ezekiel 36:25-27 NLT 26And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. 27And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.

Bad habits began to disappear as I got to know Him more and more. I spent time in Bible Studies and entwined my life with other Believers – powerful women of God who spoke into my life.

1 Thessalonians 5:10-11 NLT 10Christ died for us so that, whether we are dead or alive when he returns, we can live with him forever. 11So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.

God led me to work with Pastor Ernie Green at Christian Life Center for codependent behaviors. He gave me a book called Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie – an excellent book to use in recovery.

Melody Beattie defines a codependent person as “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

I learned that I was valuing my behaviors, feelings, and thinking based on what others thought of me; their opinion mattered more than mine. I married broken people to fix them in order to make them love me – love from gratitude! Ha! I controlled their behavior by changing who I was to get what I needed. I “needed” to be needed. Harsh and critical of myself, others were more important; I was so sensitive to how others felt that I took upon myself the same feelings and advice poured freely. I was consumed with “knowing” what was wrong with the other person and fixing their problems. These are just a few of the behaviors I exhibited.

I learned some valuable skills and tools through these counseling sessions. The knowledge of why I behaved this way helped me to stop owning other people’s problems. I had enough with my own! I began to establish boundaries and to let others take care of themselves. This made my older children angry with me because I stopped taking care of their problems. But they got over it.

I began talking to God through prayer as if He were right next to me all day long. And I began yearning. I desperately yearned for healing and for deliverance from all the addictions, strongholds and habits that had consumed me for so long. I had a need, an intense need; like the need for a breath of cool, fresh air when you’ve been in a muggy mess all day.

But most of all, I yearned to know if He actually loved even me. I still lacked that vision of what Jesus Christ really thought of me. I had been such a bad girl growing up – how could He love me?? Even though I had learned and changed tremendously, my heart still couldn’t believe that I was loved by the Almighty God; that I was valuable to Him and that He truly cared for me and my well-being.

God, as He promised in His Word, didn’t leave me alone in this – He took me to the next step. The first miracle in which He personally showed Himself as One truly interested in plain ol’ me.

2 Chronicles 15:2,4 Amplified 2…the Lord is with you while you are with Him. If you seek Him [inquiring for and of Him, craving Him as your soul’s first necessity], He will be found by you; but if you [become indifferent and] forsake Him, He will forsake you. 4But when they in their trouble turned to the Lord, the God of Israel, and [in desperation earnestly] sought Him, He was found by them.

The next article, The Healing Touch, finishes the story about this great miracle.

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